June 6,2018

Some times I have so much to share and talk to and previously it was a craze you see of having someone be there for you , because doesn't everyone have someone or the other .Well it took me so much time to know who I actually am , and yes I am still figuring out myself , am I this person typing this or am I the person who wants to be the cool one in the group ,Practically speaking I Suck at social skills and I am pretty much aware I must be the topic for many jokes and talks so let's forget that for a second , so I have started working almost I guess many days past and I am getting the hold of it ,the problem is I take time and this time can very well range from weeks to months and in this process some people hate me and some are randomly just there . So I don't want to set myself loose and get into this trap again , just that I am scared you know ,I might be the reason of separating friends and I don't want that . I don't want the attention , I just w…

Day : 95 : We have a part two also for the first time in th history of me writing this blog

I just had a mental breakdown , I usually didn't have them for quiet some time know ,May be it was the movie that triggered it ,look I understand if I don't deserve it ,I get it , there are people who probably have no one to care and are facing four hundred times the pain I am facing . It was lesson may be for my reactions . Let me just confess I don't know if you term this situation / feeling what ever as love , I can't say I don't care , I do deep down I do get affected but does that change any thing probably it's just me and I know I have to deal with it , just that some times I loose it and have this endless tears now they are meaningless , why does every situation direct me to that phase , I just connect or try to join everything to that one thing , hoping what some miracle to happen well May be May be not I don't know , but why this torture , love is freaking torture and pain , I just don't get those butterflies any more , probably I just done . …

Day :96 : Currently Hustling

June 23 , 2018 

Its been long since I didn't right , so here it is I am actually working for a company again its  a 9-6 job and its damn tiring, but that is what we were wishing right, All that I ever wanted was this so I ain't going cry how bad it is going to get just focussing on what needs to be focused right now.

The thing is that is at the back of my mind lately and just yesterday, give me a sec ill be back.

So I had this weird dream, was really weird its like I finally find my lover and I love him but I don't want to accept the fact and literally take it forward , Its weird i actually here the words the 3 magical words and for a moment I do fell excitement but then i just make a joke about it and move on . And this person is, I don't remember the face but what the suprise is i end up speaking to this person out of the bloom the next day, I don't know what comes on me that i just type in the message and send tho there are various sources I can get the…

Day :95 : Omg did I just get past today

June 18 , 2018

Day #1 of grinding

What the eff just happened , I am here sitting in a closed room , a conference room and it's ... how can I explain to you . I got wet in the rain and probably disgusted by my whole avatar , yet I decide to go to my first day at office , why cause I have lost my mind . I know a lot of people are going to make fun of me and yes I have accepted it or rather stopped over thinking . I have been doing this whole thinking business for quiet to long now , way to long . Haven't I always wanted this , the whole office experience and finally I am here , so why not kill the game , no romantic rendezvous , or crushes to be further crushed and just this whole romantic getaway I take I guess it's enough , work is my only romance now , and it is until I am fully satisfied , also further not extending any relationships with co workers , that's my work and business ethic , just limit everything and major focus on work , cause I have always wanted that …

Day:94: Its all going to make sense soon

June 16, 2018

It all makes sense at the end of it ,now when I look back ,more than humiliation I guess it was more of a lesson to be taken . LOOK I need someone who I can share all those things every one would at some point want ,but the thing here is I also get the fact that something's are not for everyone . THE thing is I am just mentally done or rather given up on every relationship . I don't trust them , cause it ain't been a habit for me to have anyone as constant . JUST like smost of us i to envy , but then I just digest the fact.Things that will not happen , ain't no time for that ,that it .By the way , I got through a job and I am Bella confused ,I seriously don't know what the scene is going to be ,but I will give my best , I should get it , this is my last chance ,it's a limited amount of time we all live and I guess without wasting any more time I should just dive in ,regardless .

Day :93 : It feels like the end

June 14 , 2018

I don't know where i am heading , its really scary.I don't know if I will be able to survive it.Is there a end to this ? I feel helpless . Yes i have been reading so many self help books to get over this feeling but it just isnt helping . Yes i feel jelous and yes i am at a stage of envying people , i just dont know how to deal with all of this . Should i just  escape all of it ? It penetrating into be and soon i will just be a lifeless soul just present and has no purpose .

Day : 92 : Its scary ...

June 13 , 2018

It's super weird this feeling of not belonging . It make me feel as tho I am stuck somewhere . I don't want to think about the past but somewhere I feel , yes that's where I am stuck at . I keep having these thoughts of some fantasies which for the reality check are never going to occur , but I guess that's where exactly the universe once have me the chance to experience it and I know what's the final outcome of all my crazy fantasies . Everyone deserves to be loved , and yeah I know you'd be preaching me about self love ,yes I agree on that ,but what about people , people like me who have no intentions to envy , but it happens okay , I am human , I want to loved , I want to experience how it is to be truly felt to be in love okay won't extent this talk ...I just understood that writing is when you write about some thing your least comfortable sharing , and yes I am just doing that .
Yes my recent situation , it just scares me , I am scared …